Self Development

“We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day.”

One of the biggest challenges adopting a D/s dynamic has been figuring out when and how to be in character.  Our current selves don’t possess all the Dom/sub characteristics that we would like to have.  We both desire to further develop into a future state that possesses all these characteristics of who we want to be, but where do you even start with all this change?

For us, this comes down to character development.  We’re all playing a character in our day to day lives – characters that have been adapted to the norms we accept to be true and that embody our beliefs of who we are.  In order to change that character that we play, we first have to expose ourselves to new ideas and new truths.  We need to be able to define that future state self so that we can cast ourselves in those roles.  Sir Zuegi and I have been working on just that.

Sir Zuegi has defined His future state character as a more Dominant role – one that would like more of His personal needs and desires cared for.  His character wants to take direct control over s37s physical self, so that He can get the specific outcomes that He desires from him.  He wants to draw out more of the obedient behavioral characteristics in s37 while training His boy to be less temperamental, less controlling and short with Him.   s37 has defined his future self character as a deeper submissive role and a boy that is much more subservient and loyal to Sir Zuegi.  s37 wants to greatly reduce his controlling ways where he must have everything his own way.  s37 sees making himself more vulnerable by focusing on the behaviors that Sir Ziuegi desires in him while also reducing the temperamental and short fused behaviors that make him feel irritable and dissatisfied.

The idea of these future-self characters came from hours of communicating with each other.  One evening we sat down and listed the goals of our future state selves, and now, we are working towards learning these characters as a means to grow into our desired future-state roles.  Doing this work isn’t easy, and it is sometimes hard to know when to switch into these roles and how.  This is especially true if you live together 24×7 and are used to just being a certain way with each other.  We are currently experimenting with triggers, which are a means to remind you (trigger you) that you should be playing your new future state character.  Each time I find myself triggered, I go deeper into my headspace and make more of a conscious effort to possess my character’s desired state characteristics.  The hope is that eventually these characteristics become completely natural, and part of my subconscious self.

We have a very exciting opportunity to create a new trigger and somewhat of a new lifestyle together.  We are planning to spend a decent amount of our time together in Chicago, which is away from our current home.  We are actively working to make the Chicago living arrangement a trigger for practicing our new future state characters.  We are actively going through the exercise of defining rituals and protocols that will make the Chicago experience feel different from our current home.  We think that being in a different environment will help us expand beyond our current norms and explore avenues and aspects of our personalities that we have not yet fully explored.  We are very excited to see how this experience changes us, and how these influences reshape the dynamic we have with each other as we work towards a robust 24×7 D/s relationship.

One idea that excites this boy very much is Sir having an all leather wingback chair in the Chicago space that is one-hundred percent His domain.  This boy visualizes a deeper level of service towards Him in that chair.  We are in the beginning stages of defining this chair and its symbolism as a trigger for Him to reach His Dominant goals and for His boy to reach his submissive goals.  One idea is for this boy to always be in a standing or kneeling present position when Sir is in this chair and I happen to be in that same room.  We are currently collecting and writing down ideas for this trigger, and we are both extremely excited to see how this helps us to achieve greater role development.

Growing a true BDSM relationship and working towards a 24×7 dynamic in a 24×7 relationship can be very challenging.  We continue to explore and to find ways to grow ourselves and our dynamic together.  We are discovering new and creative ways to get deeper and more immersive in the things we believe will get us closer to our desired goals.  

What are techniques you have used to grow in a BDSM dynamic?  Have you been able to grow personally in your role, and if so, what led you to your greatest growth?